Tuesday, March 29, 2011

this hermit life is tiring me out.

You know... I'm tired.

I realize that he looks huge, and kind of fat, with a small head, but it's cos he's all fluffed out and the photo was taken from an unflattering angle (what the hell am I talking about, he's a dog.).

Sort of.
Not like a physical tiredness because I didn't get enough sleep- because I did, Nic let me sleep in till 7.30, bless him.

This is a hard thing to explain- I'm having trouble with it. It's back to something I wrote a while ago, about how I don't feel like I have friends. It doesn't sound any less lame now than it did then, but anyhoo...
But here's the thing: that picture of a group of girls laughing and drinking wine on a couch, all hanging out? Doesn't happen. I tried to organize a catch-up with two friends from Uni for last week, before dinner... one girl was tired from her first week of teaching, the other was 'sniffly'. So that's fine, I said, we'll reschedule, maybe next (this) week?
And I can bet you anything I won't hear from them.
Ok, so I'm not the best keeping-in-touch person, I'm not, but I'll try. Even if it's a long time apart, I'll try. And I can think of a dozen occurrences where I was the last one to make the effort- to set a date, to organize a thing, to send an email, whatever... and that gets tiring. I feel like I know people, I'm 'friends' with people, but I'm/we're not high enough on people's priority lists that they'd like to spend time with just us. You know, like, take time out of their schedule to do something different. If they have a party, we'll be invited, but I wouldn't expect to hear from them for a catch-up, or whatever.
And I promise I'm not this self-depreciating in real life, and I'm usually quite content in my little bubble with me and Nic and our pets and that suits us fine, it does.. But sometimes it'd be nice to have someone else. Nic is completely my best friend... I have a really hard time trusting people, for some reason. Example: the friend from Uni, who was sniffly and didn't want to come out... we get along great. Sometimes we have lunch together on wednesdays because we have a 2 hour break between classes. We have different ideas about teaching and we share those. When we're together, we're almost that picture of two girlfriends chatting and laughing. I love spending time with her...
But I, in myself, can never shake the feeling that... I dunno, that I'm not high on her priority list. I'm just the girl from Uni. That she has better, and closer friends that she'd rather spend time with. And maybe she does, I'm not sure. I don't hear her mention people, except her boyfriend, but then do your friends from outside circles usually come up in conversation? I'm not sure.
Do you know what I mean though? Like I hold myself back from being 'too much' her friend, because I don't feel like I'm that close for her.
Anyway, I'm just a bit sad about this. I wish there'd been an APW bookclub here, but nobody replied to my Facebook thing so I guess there ain't anybody from Melbourne around.

In other news, I don't think we're going to Canberra or the Blue Mountains over easter any more because it's just going to cost too much money, and we seem to keep spending money - a bike, a car insurance excess, a futon, some random crap from an outdoor shop (ok, so everything was about 60% off and we'll use it all, it's still money) - that we don't really have, so the prospect of crappy motel-style accommodation for $100 a night in Canberra (sadly, the cheapest we could find that's not booked out), plus like, $200+ worth of fuel, plus another lot on food while we're there = a lot of money that we don't have. Canberra isn't going anywhere, the blue Mountains aren't going anywhere... I think it's probably wise if we just go somewhere a little closer to home, hike overnight, camp...

Tonight we're having the most amazing Tofu stir-fry for dinner. I'm thinking of making maybe a "Tasty Tuesday" thing. Cos y'know what? We do some awesome food. The other night we made chickpea burgers. Maybe people would like to partake in our food. Maybe I'd just like to document stuff incase we forget and go: What was in that amazing stir-fry!?! Then we'll know.
So, I didn't like tofu. This meal converted me. If you don't like tofu but you do like tasty stir-fry and noodles, tune in later, I'll put up the recipe and some pictures and stuff. It's sort of pad-thai style, with lime and sauce.
And stuff.
Just trust me on this one, ok?


  1. You know, I had a really, really hard time with friends when I moved here. The internet has been very helpful for me, getting my dose of smart, feminist, sympathetic conversation. Then I can interact in the more shallow ways that beginning friendships require and feel more confident about it, which translates somehow.

    Hugs for the friendship, and I'm sorry it's so rough right now. We could be penpals!

  2. I totally understand what you're saying about friends. I get shy and uneasy about asking people to do things, because I fear it'll make me seem 'needy' in their eyes. Writing that out makes it seem a bit crazy, but it comes from thinking they probably have tons of close friends already and don't need me. It's tough. Sending you hugs.