welcome the new year and all it brings

Hey!
It's 2012.
How did that happen?
This is a big year. The world is meant to end, right? I think subconsciously Nic and I have taken that onboard and are cramming so much stuff in, just to make it worthwhile.
The other day I designed our wedding invitations, more or less. Yes, there's still 7 or so months (um..) before we need to actually have them, and Lord knows I'm changeable (like it one day, hate it a month later), but I like Photoshop, and I like making stuff, and I liked making them so much that for a minute there I had a glimmer of being able to do it more than just for fun. Maybe I'll put them below the cut, you can let me know what you think. Then I just have to figure out how we go about getting them printed up. We'd both love letterpress but I don't know how much $$$$$$ that would be.

I'm filled with a sense of trepidation about the wedding, in some ways. Not about getting married to Nic, although it's a very final and 'definite' thing to do... more that... you know, you always read wedding posts about people whose family came together and laughed and had a great time, and it was a real celebration and community thing, right? I don't even mean in the lead-up to the wedding, I'm assuming I'll get no help there except from Nic... more on the actual day, particularly for smaller, intimate weddings....I think I have a vision of my mother (or even other members of my family), gloomy, judging, making snide remarks about the food, the fact that we're having butter chicken as one of our mains and a vegetarian gnocchi as the other (quelle horreur! untraditional food!), or that there isn't enough wine selection, or that we served people canapes instead of a sit-down entree, etc etc. All these things, even though she continues to go on and on about her spit-roast backyard wedding...
I just want people to have fun, and I think I'm going to kill myself by stressing out about whether they will or not.
And then there's the feeling that Nic and I have sort of 'hermitised' ourselves. Which is to say, we have two really close friends, and not a whole lot beyond that until we get to 'people we're friends with at work', and 'people we talk to sometimes when we say 'let's catch up!' and it never happens'... and again, those stories of a community of people, of friends being there for one another, helping out, sharing the joy... I can't see it, and it makes me sad. And maybe when it's needed it will come... I don't know.

I've had two wedding panic 'oh crap we forgot something vitally important and it's the day of the wedding!' dreams already. Yesterday I made a timeline. I think I feel a bit better now.

Click below if you want to see the invite. If you could let me know what you think, if it needs any changes, etc, that would be fabulous. Of course it looks a bit less awesome without our surnames as it sits up nicely next to the ampersand, but so it goes. And the actual one has the password for the website, too, but it's not finished yet.

OH! I need to do a NZ post of some description. I'll knock that up a bit later.

this hermit life is tiring me out.

You know... I'm tired.

I realize that he looks huge, and kind of fat, with a small head, but it's cos he's all fluffed out and the photo was taken from an unflattering angle (what the hell am I talking about, he's a dog.).

Sort of.
Not like a physical tiredness because I didn't get enough sleep- because I did, Nic let me sleep in till 7.30, bless him.

This is a hard thing to explain- I'm having trouble with it. It's back to something I wrote a while ago, about how I don't feel like I have friends. It doesn't sound any less lame now than it did then, but anyhoo...
But here's the thing: that picture of a group of girls laughing and drinking wine on a couch, all hanging out? Doesn't happen. I tried to organize a catch-up with two friends from Uni for last week, before dinner... one girl was tired from her first week of teaching, the other was 'sniffly'. So that's fine, I said, we'll reschedule, maybe next (this) week?
And I can bet you anything I won't hear from them.
Ok, so I'm not the best keeping-in-touch person, I'm not, but I'll try. Even if it's a long time apart, I'll try. And I can think of a dozen occurrences where I was the last one to make the effort- to set a date, to organize a thing, to send an email, whatever... and that gets tiring. I feel like I know people, I'm 'friends' with people, but I'm/we're not high enough on people's priority lists that they'd like to spend time with just us. You know, like, take time out of their schedule to do something different. If they have a party, we'll be invited, but I wouldn't expect to hear from them for a catch-up, or whatever.
And I promise I'm not this self-depreciating in real life, and I'm usually quite content in my little bubble with me and Nic and our pets and that suits us fine, it does.. But sometimes it'd be nice to have someone else. Nic is completely my best friend... I have a really hard time trusting people, for some reason. Example: the friend from Uni, who was sniffly and didn't want to come out... we get along great. Sometimes we have lunch together on wednesdays because we have a 2 hour break between classes. We have different ideas about teaching and we share those. When we're together, we're almost that picture of two girlfriends chatting and laughing. I love spending time with her...
But I, in myself, can never shake the feeling that... I dunno, that I'm not high on her priority list. I'm just the girl from Uni. That she has better, and closer friends that she'd rather spend time with. And maybe she does, I'm not sure. I don't hear her mention people, except her boyfriend, but then do your friends from outside circles usually come up in conversation? I'm not sure.
Do you know what I mean though? Like I hold myself back from being 'too much' her friend, because I don't feel like I'm that close for her.
Anyway, I'm just a bit sad about this. I wish there'd been an APW bookclub here, but nobody replied to my Facebook thing so I guess there ain't anybody from Melbourne around.

In other news, I don't think we're going to Canberra or the Blue Mountains over easter any more because it's just going to cost too much money, and we seem to keep spending money - a bike, a car insurance excess, a futon, some random crap from an outdoor shop (ok, so everything was about 60% off and we'll use it all, it's still money) - that we don't really have, so the prospect of crappy motel-style accommodation for $100 a night in Canberra (sadly, the cheapest we could find that's not booked out), plus like, $200+ worth of fuel, plus another lot on food while we're there = a lot of money that we don't have. Canberra isn't going anywhere, the blue Mountains aren't going anywhere... I think it's probably wise if we just go somewhere a little closer to home, hike overnight, camp...

Tonight we're having the most amazing Tofu stir-fry for dinner. I'm thinking of making maybe a "Tasty Tuesday" thing. Cos y'know what? We do some awesome food. The other night we made chickpea burgers. Maybe people would like to partake in our food. Maybe I'd just like to document stuff incase we forget and go: What was in that amazing stir-fry!?! Then we'll know.
So, I didn't like tofu. This meal converted me. If you don't like tofu but you do like tasty stir-fry and noodles, tune in later, I'll put up the recipe and some pictures and stuff. It's sort of pad-thai style, with lime and sauce.
And stuff.
Just trust me on this one, ok?

my brain is fried..

So, I had a neat idea for a post.
It wasn't too long. Or deep... it was just interesting.
And then I was going to prattle on about how maybe I needed more pictures so people would stick around, but now I've forgotten what it was.
Apart from the pictures bit, I remembered that.
But the actual 'important' bit, I can't remember.

Oh! Aside from the fact that I told 2 girlfriends from Uni last night that I was thinking of having our wedding at a school camp and we could all go canoeing, and hiking, and on ropes  courses, and their faces were of concealed ... horrified...ness... Horrific..ness? horrifiedal... I don't know. Maybe that word doesn't exist. Anyway. They were trying to look like they thought it was an ok idea, however they did warm to the idea when I told them they could sit on the banks of the river and drink wine while I canoed (preferably, according to them, in my wedding dress).

And now, since I think my blog might be too 'wordy' for people to stick around, here are some pictures of animals doing awesome things.
They are from cuteoverload.



Maybe I should sprinkle some text in here so it looks like I'm discussing the awesome merits of these animals. But, I mean, that cat is pretty cool.  I wonder if somebody photoshopped his feet and legs out. DAMN! Now I think I ruined it for myself.


 
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn’t even pay for your sandwich!”
“Hey, man, I’m a PANDA!” the panda shouts back. “Look it up!”
The manager opens his dictionary and reads:

Panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

And I think I'm done for now. This project is going downhill, fast. I need some followers. ;)

friends, dates and life changing...

Last night I traipsed across this site, meetup.com, which is basically full of a bunch of dodgy 'spiritual' groups, supposedly teaching people how to 'live their best life' (my mum would benefit from joining some of them, no doubt), groups for men wanting to 'attract the most amazing women', and then some little ones for people who like hiking and walking, kayaking, for 20-something women wanting more friends, french speakers, ex-pat Canadians, etc. So I joined a couple. The more I think about it, the less satisfied I am with my group of friends. I have them, and they're awesome, but I don't see any of them regularly (except from the Uni girls, and a few of them are finishing this year so I won't see them in March), and I just don't feel that close. I think about my 'wedding party' or whatever terminology I'll end up using, and feel like I'd be picking bridespeople just because they're people I get along with, and not because I'm hugely close and want to share all my secrets with them over a tub of icecream.

family & friends...

One of the things most concerning me about this wedding rests at the back of my mind... and it stems from seeing so many wedding blog posts where people say: We just wanted to have all of our family and friends have a great time, or our family came together to help with everything, or it was great to have our family all there celebrating our love.

And the concern I have is this: Nic and I both come from divorced parents. My Dad said he never wanted to see my Mum again, and he hasn't. He also said, he never wants to go to another wedding. Ever. Now, his partner Sally is lovely, and will get him to go, but geez. Then, Mum's also a bit weird about him, and she doesn't like Nic. Nic once made the mistake of innocently suggesting my very sick Grandpa may be better off in some sort of expensive home, so Grandma could stop being so stressed, and Grandpa could get the care he needs. I had forgotten to mention to Nic at this point that my family is very anti-retirement home (despite being about to invest in, and develop, retirement homes. ironic!) , and as such, the news was reported back to Grandma that he's obviously a horrible person, so now she doesn't like him either. Joy. Then there's Dad's side of the family, most of whom don't speak to one another for various reasons. And I don't feel particularly close to my brother. Hurrah. Then on Nic's side of the family, because he grew up in Canada with his Mum & Dad, he's only met his Granparents, Aunts, and Uncles a few times. His cousins he's probably only met literally 4 times. And I know, you don't have to invite these people, but some cousins have invited us to their wedding, so that could turn out a little messy unless you have something REALLY small, which I don't want to do... 

Then I feel like I don't have enough friends. Not friends who I'd care about enough to invite. Maybe like.. 7. How do people manage to get 100 people at a wedding?? So I'd be happy with like, 70... and I suppose with family it adds up... But even so. 

And while the idea of eloping at this point in time sounds really attractive, I also want to have a day where I get to be pretty, and dress up, and throw an awesome party, and get pictures taken, and tell everybody how much I love Nic and maybe for my Mum to actually see it. 

I think her problem at the moment is that she tends to suck the life out of me. No kidding. She mumbles on an on about her parents, and her life... the other day she asks me: "So what's new in your life?" And I told her, "Nothing too much, work, uni, just finished rounds at school..." and she doesn't even acknowledge the fact I'd said anything, just goes on about her dog... So I get a bit blah when we're together, and I have a feeling maybe she thinks I'm miserable. Maybe Nic's this domineering personality who is squashing my  fragile spirit and overpowering me. You know, exactly like her and Dad. She constantly asks me if I'm happy, and I tell her I am, but I can't make it convincing because I'm too busy being depressed by her. So maybe she just wants me to be happy, but can't pay enough attention to me to actually hear about the cool stuff Nic & I do. She always asks about his job (which is a shit, fill-in job till he joins the police or something), and then nothing else. 

Sorry, this has become a bit of a bitch-fest. It's just... I never thought I'd give my future husband one of those mother in laws... and I never thought I'd be a) worried about telling Mum I'm engaged, or b) want to tell Dad before Mum.