just because we're on a big fat island...

Once again, we've been screwed over.
I was super excited to find a kindle app for my macbook. It was free, and meant I could buy & download books and read them from my computer. This is a good thing for those of us who don't want/can't afford an actual kindle or ipad, or, y'know, new books. My fear with buying books- novels, particularly - is that I won't like them. I can buy a used book from amazon for .99c, but shipping it here costs $12.50. For each book. So if I get a book that I don't like... or if I get 3 books I don't like... then I'm stuck with 3 books, and down $36 just on shipping. So, there's no amazon.com.au yet. There's an Australian site which professes to do 'cheap books', but they don't do 2nd hand books the way amazon does. There's also a UK site which does free international shipping, but then you're paying in pounds and it seems to work out the same as if I'd just bought it from the Australian one. Or Amazon.
So I saw an education book that I wanted, and then thought; well, if it's no good then I've just paid $25 (12.50 for the book, 2nd hand, $12.50 for shipping) for a book to be flown across the world and I don't like it.
But then I found this app!
And I said to Nic:
"Nic!!! I'm going to go on a spending rampage with this. I can buy like, a billion books. And then I can just read them all, on my computer! A RAMPAGE I TELLS YOU!"
And I started looking at lists. Top 100 lists of the books people have been buying. Free, pre-releases. Popular books. Books made into movies.
And for every one of those popular books, a little green message would appear in the right hand side of the screen:
"This title is not available for customers in
Australia"
WHY MAKE IT GREEN WHEN YOU'RE TELLING ME I CAN'T HAVE IT?!
Idiots.
Free books, like the "Metaphysical elements of ethics", or "The Complete English Tradesmen (1898 ed.)" I can download without issue.
So, that's wonderful.
I suppose, on the bright side, it means I won't be able to go on a spending rampage. As Nic so tactfully put it last night when I said:
"I'm going to spend all my money on books, love!!!!"
"What money?"
Well, that shut me up, didn't it now?


Innnnn other news, I was messing around yesterday with wordpress and decided that their layouts aren't changeable enough unless you use CSS which I fail at, so no, I will suffer blogger's annoying lack of reply button a while longer, but in the meantime I kind of made a header. At the moment it has a different blog name on it. The blog name I could change this blog's name too. Once again I'm struck by the fact that we are no longer 'looking to april' as our potential wedding-month, and so the old name doesn't really fit.
Here, tell me what you think, or if you have any better/bigger/more awesome ideas. Particularly name ideas.

Click on 'im to make 'im big, yo.
If you like it, I'll do an overhaul.
Maybe I will anyway. Just cos I like overhauls.
How about:
... wow, this one was going to sound really dirty... "Kittens who lick puppies" (teehee.)
Although I don't want my blog name to be all about the animals, even though they are awesome.
Help?


Mission for today: Making team shirts for Nic & I to enter fun-runs and adventure races in. Last night as we packed up to go to bed at 10, I told him we were Undergraduates from Lametown University, or LTU. Then I started thinking about those athletics department shirts from Universities. Then I started thinking about how I could make my own LTU shirt with some highly randomized slogan on the back (We had: "As furious as a honeybadger in heat" as we broke down in overtired giggles last night. Maybe we need something a little more 'us'). So.. That's today.
Oh. And some Uni work in there too.
Maybe.

won't somebody please think of the children...!!!

I read this article this morning in The Age, which is Victoria's 'more respected of the two options' when it comes to Newspapers.
And something welled up in me that compelled me to write an entry here, for all the good it would do... but the ideas were (and hopefully still are) circling around in my brain, begging to get down into words. So here goes.

Incase you can't be bothered reading the article, it basically bemoans the fact that children aren't being taught bible stories any more. *gasp!*.
Before i go on, also, I know religion is a touchy subject. I'm not religious. I went to an Anglican Christian school, I'm technically Jewish (blood line, yada yada yada), and I don't believe in anything. That being said, everything I write here is obviously my opinion and hopefully I won't offend people- it's just the way I  see things.

 

Wouldn't this make a great children's story? {via}

Ok, so, children aren't being taught religious stories in school, and the article says that this is a damn shame because children miss out on learning some of the valuable lessons from the stories and go on to become immoral and corrupt citizens. That last part may be my inclusion but it may as well have said that.
Some guy is quoted as saying: "Without what the Greeks called mythos or story, we have no way of orienting ourselves in life, either as a people or as individuals".
Yes. Stories are good. Agreed. Massages are also good, agreed. In the 2001 census, 20% of people identified as Anglican, 20% as Catholic and 20% as 'other Christian', so the majority of the population runs as Christian.  Ok, so of that 60%, 23% of them 'participated in some religious activity' in the 3 months prior to the census. So, we're a lot of us Christian, and not  a lot of us 'practicing' it.
Which brings me, I suppose, to my unease, because I know what can happen with things like this, and it would be suddenly the job of teachers to teach the 'real meaning' of Easter. Because, in my class of impressionable little minds, I would feel a hypocrite teaching about the death and resurrection of Jesus. I learned about it in school myself. One of their selling points in this article is that children take from the Easter story a message of hope. That they can use the lessons learned in the Easter story as a way to find strength in difficult times. They say in the article that kids these days only care about chocolate brought by a bunny.
I learned the Easter story.
I sung Christian songs.
I said the Lords' prayer every Thursday in assembly...
And yet, Easter for me means chocolate and a long weekend.

So I feel that this article is a thinly veiled way to try and bring the 'dominant religion' in to children's lives (or they'll be damned, or something) and make it 'normal'. Make it 'the proper religion', and if you practice anything else, or believe in anything else, then you're abnormal and don't fit in with our culture in this country. They try and disguise this through the importance of 'the message' or the importance of 'the story', but I can tell you there are plenty of beautiful stories with beautiful messages floating around for children that don't involve a diety that they may or may not want to believe in.
I suppose this all links to a different article I read about religious education in government schools. Government schools have to be, by design, secular. Some of them have 'religious education' or RE. These RE classes are usually always run by a Christian group. Should a student's parent forget to 'opt out' (not in) to these classes, they learn the Christian way. They don't learn about a diverse range of religious which I think is really valuable and is something that kids should learn - we did, in year 7, and it was great... bur they learn about Christianity. If a child does opt out, there's a clause in a law somewhere saying that they're not allowed to go on with other work... so... they end up sitting in the back of the class (apparently) or out in the hall, or sharpening pencils.
So, I don't know enough about this to read between the lines and figure out how much of it is glorified or not, but it seems so strange to me that RE would be taught by volunteers from a Christian organization, where kids aren't allowed to go off and do some other learning while this is taking place. Again, doesn't this create such an 'us' and 'them' sort of mantra... as in: if you don't believe this way, you don't exist?

So, people, here's an idea. Let's teach about religions, not religion. Let's teach about tolerance. Let's teach about hope, and respect, and helping one another. Let's model these things, and encourage them within ourselves and within kids and students and others. Let's teach about Aboriginal stories, because they, too, have beautiful stories and myths, and are sort of technically 'the religion of Australia', even if not as many people believe those things. Let's teach about Buddhism and some of the mindfulness and stillness practices it brings. Let's teach about the strength of community, about loving one another and ourselves. Let's just not rely on one religion, Christian or otherwise, to impart the values or morals we wish children to develop.

underpreparedness...ing.

I was going to do a "Tasty Tuesday" post yesterday when I made a peach and passionfruit cobbler.
Then I realized it was Wednesday.
I suppose I could do 'Tasty Thursday" but it doesn't have the same ring.

The other day our literacy tutor posted up a link to this blog, which I have subsequently spent many hours traipsing through- trialing out resources, sites, games, activities... making comics and story books and mind-maps... It's awesome.
And I realise more and more that I think, for now, lower primary is where I'm at. I want to get kids to that fluent reading level. I want to be able to still read stories with them, but to also write stories, too. So, I don't necessarily want Prep kids who don't know their alphabet, but also not year 6 kids who probably know more math than I do.
But the funny thing is, is that it's through our literacy classes that we're learning (very small amounts) about ICT, and how we can use it. We're going to do stuff on digital storytelling/storybooks, multiliteracies, etc. Other subjects have touched on it, sure. Our maths teacher keeps saying: "You can do this or that on an Interactive whiteboard", but funnily, most of us have never used one. Or if we have, it's in a really fundamental, basic way. Like putting text up, or drawing on it like an actual whiteboard.
Lots more education-y rant below...

a few unrelated things

1. I went into a wedding dress store yesterday (whoops) while trying to waste time. It's on a high-end street with lots and lots of other wedding dress stores where the cheapest are usually about $3k. Ouch. This looked like the lower-end-of-the-high-end range, and I didn't want to buy anything, just try some not-floor-length dresses on if they had any. So I walked in, around, and started to head out- not having found anything. As I go to leave, the incredibly unhelpful (up to that point) sales girl (who probably didn't want to know me because I didn't have an appointment. Or something) asked me if she could help. I was literally one foot out the door by that point. I turn around.
"Probably not," I say, forcing a smile, "You don't have any non floor-length dresses, do you?" It was more a statement than a question.
She winced.
"Well, we might be getting one in, in a few months. That's the rumor, anyway!" As if this dress was some secret. "So, yeah, maybe you should check back in a few months, and we might have one. They're pretty hard to come by, but people keep asking about them..."
One dress. One fricken dress that they might have in a few months. Really? If people keep asking about them, isn't that a sign???
"Sure thing." I said, then left to go check out a non-wedding-dress-designer's store.

2. The other day I was in the University library. Our library is 3-storeys big. There's the ground floor, the underground floor, and the above ground floor. Understandably, the underground floor is quite dark and kind of library-like, but it needs a facelift. Old shelves, old books, books everywhere, on their sides, missing when you go to find them... brown shelves, brown dividers, drab, uninspiring. I'm saying that my library isn't so awesome. But all the teaching stuff is downstairs so that's where I end up. Being downstairs means very very slow mobile internet on my phone. I need to find some books, right? I'm in there 30 mins before class starts so I can find my books. The library has a few computer consoles scattered about where you can use the internet or log into the library site to search their catalog. It used to be restricted to just the library site.
At this point it's about 2.30pm, so most people should have gone home. But, no, every single computer was taken. And I'm ok with you taking the computer in the library, but don't be on Facebook. There's people hovering around so when someone leaves the computer, they can go on.
Don't be on Facebook. Go on the library website, find your damn book, and leave. If you want Facebook, go upstairs, take out your iphone (because everybody who's a Uni student has one. Or they have a phone with those capabilities, right?) and go on Facebook. This is an Academic Institution, people, with people trying to do real work and better themselves. I'm trying to learn to teach children how to read. If you don't let me get to a computer I won't be able to teach your children how to log onto Facebook and read status updates.

3. What's with drivers lately? Honestly. I'm driving the speed limit, right? I don't tend to speed, I like my license, and I like not being fined for something stupid like going 5km over the limit (3 miles. Yes, they will fine you for this). So I'm driving the speed limit somewhere, a road I know often has speed cameras, and some douche-bagging-douche-head is sitting on my tail. Um... dude, I'm not going to speed up just because you're trying to use some kind of twisted car-peer-pressure. Sorry. It's more hilarious when they get all antsy and you're on a 3 lane road, so they tailgate you for a while, then they VEER into the other lane (note for North Americans: In Australia, lane changes are slow and smooth. We were shocked, in the US, at how quickly people changed lanes. Here... you kind of drift across. We're a laid-back country, ok?), fly past.... and then get stopped next to you at the next set of lights. For all their swerving and tailgating, they never get much further ahead than you. Unfortunately I don't think they realize it.
Then there's the kids who have been driving with their parents from 16-18 and have just gotten onto a license by themselves. So now they're all hardcore, and they're doing this same stuff because they have friends in the car, and they're pretty cool. Is this not problematic? They might have been solo for like, a year, and now they're like a rally driver. Right.

4.
This video just makes me want to die a little on the inside. This girl is what, like 13? And she's signing about having designer jeans. There's. More. Important. Things. In. Life. Than. Your. Jeans. Get. Over. Yourself.
And don't get me started on that Friday song.
I grew up listening to Pink Floyd (thanks, parents!), Genesis, Phil Collins, the Beatles (I am not this old, my parents just loved it), and ok, when I was a tween, I liked Hanson. But even they weren't singing about jeans.

*muttergrumbledamnkidsthesedays* I feel like I should be shaking a cane and grumbling in a croaky old lady voice.

And that, everyone, is my rant. And really, it's a lot more ranty than I intended, and I'm really not that peeved off, but, y'know.  Off to Uni for that literacy class, so I can continue to learn how to teach kids to read Facebook.

excuse me, how about do your job?

I went to get petrol on the way to School this morning. At the moment it's sitting a tad under $1.50 a litre, lucky us ($5.70 a gallon). I filled up the tank, then went inside to pay (that's how we roll, here. No pre-paying or weirdness for us). The lady on the register was chatting with her co-worker, as I'm standing there. I'm impatient. I wait. There's nobody else in the store, just me.
I wait.
I'm fairly certain I waited about 30 seconds and it wasn't like they were talking about important things like how to put out a fire in the back room, or what to do if there was a crocodile in the store, or how to deal with a wasp nest on the fuel pumps.
Eventually she comes back to her position, no "Sorry" or even a hello, or a smile, which I'm fairly sure is part of her job.
She growls:
"$56."
I put the discount card out for her (supermarket scheme, non-Australian people. We get 4c off our petrol if you shop at one of the two big supermarkets then go to the appropriate petrol station.), which she scans.
"$55." She mutters. I'm a little peeved at this point because I was running late and she hadn't acknowledged my presence. I hold out my card, and she basically rolls her eyes and, turning as she speaks, vaguely says:
"Swipe your card"
And is back to talking to her coworker.
So I wait for the machine to say 'swipe'... and it doesn't.
I wait a bit more- sometimes they're slow.
And now I'm annoyed because not only is she one of the worst petrol sales-people I've seen, but she hasn't been bothered to do her job well enough to hit the 'enter' button on her screen to activate the card machine.
So, I say:
"Um, I would swipe it, if it worked." And yeah, I sound like a bitch when I'm saying this (Ok, picture a bratty 16 year old, rolling her eyes and jutting out her chin... now scale back the image a liiiiittle bit, and that was probably the tone of voice I used.
The lady looked stunned. Like, why was I suddenly being rude to her!? When she'd been nothing but polite, and helpful!! She literally looked at me like I'd just called her a f---tard, for no reason.
"Sorry doll!" She says, mashing the screen. "Sometimes it just goes to sleep."
I think I rolled my eyes, mutter "no worries.".
"Sorry about that."
And I'm thinking: No, you're really not. You're only sorry because I snapped at you and you suddenly came round to the fact that I'm actually here, trying to get some damn service, and I interrupted your chat. 

And then she told me to have a fantastic day.
Laced with sarcasm.
You know sometimes when someone's been rude to you and you're super extra nice just to 'be the better person', or make them more angry, or just rub it in that you're nice and they're a bitch? Yeah, she tried to pull that on me. And I am not a bitch, people. I am not confrontational. I hate confrontations. HATE. So for me to actually say what I said speaks volumes for how freaking peeved off I was.
But then I went to school, and the girls gave me hugs, and I got to go gardening with some of them, and then the grade 5/6 kids went horse-riding. But I didn't get to ride. But it's ok... it just made me miss horses and riding like crazy.

Now I'm off to the gym. I'm going to try and change my running style. Or, start to change. Fairly certain it won't happen overnight.

f-- you, australia.

So when I was in Paris, I bought some Converse lights. I wore them to death. I wore them until the heel had a hole in it and water got in. I wore them everywhere. They traipsed through the streets of Paris, came to Townsville and Tasmania with me. They explored the city of Melbourne when Nic first arrived. I loved these shoes, right?
Then I had to stop wearing them, because they had holes. And when we got to the US, I was determined to get some more. So I dove on the first pair I found and thought I was going crazy thinking they were heavier and chunkier than my old ones, but I couldn't find any that were different, so I got them.
The other day, at Mum's, she told me she had some clothes we'd left before we went to North America. Lo and Behold, there were my beloved shoes, and, surprise! I wasn't crazy- they WERE thinner, and smaller, and better than the ones I'd bought.
Damn.
So I look online today trying to track down a pair of these shoes for not-so-much money, get them sent here. I saw them in a store for $90 the other day- we got my other ones for $45 in the US. Right, so they're double the price here. I find them on 2 Australian websites for $90 each.
Amazon won't ship them here, nor will Converse.com... I find a website that will ship here, and I even get 10% off... and the shoes are $44...
And then comes shipping.
Can't be that much, right?
Maybe $10?
$20 at a stretch?
No.
$47.00.
The shipping costs
As
Much
As
The
Shoes.

Wtf.
I could buy them and get them shipped to Nic's Mum in the UK and pay for her to ship them here, but we're waiting on some things we sent to her back at Christmas and still haven't been sent. So, y'know, maybe if I want to buy them and never see them, I could do that.
Think I need to employ a friend of mine in the US to be my re-posting person, but, who knows, maybe that'll end up costing an extra $40 anyway, and I won't know it until they have to pay and I have to pay them back.

I hate this island.

(and yes, this is whingey, and whiney, and there's bigger things going on than me shoe-shopping, but this happens all. the. time. With everything. Want something cool? Well, it'll cost you twice as much because you live in Australia. Awesome. One of the many reasons I don't want to stay in this country long-term.)
(Edit: And in the end I found them on Ebay for $55, but they might be dodgy rip-offs so y'know... Still, being able to walk into a shop and buy them for a good price would be really nice, too.)

the (inevitable) ranty dog-food post..

 And now, for Dr. Mallei's advice column****.

So, I feed Mallei a raw diet. He doesn't get dry dog food, and he certainly doesn't get tinned/wet dog food. I'll admit, I'm probably a little more slack about 'varying' his diet than I'd like to be: he tends to get one chicken carcass a day (ie, the breastbone, back, spine, ribs etc of the chicken, sometimes a bit of innards left in, and most of the meat stripped off), sometimes fish, sometimes red meat/bones, and scraps sometimes when we're cooking. I'm a big believer that if nature has taken a couple of thousand years to evolve something, nature has made sure that that thing will survive best in its environment. That is to say: A dogs' digestive system is set up to hunt and eat animals. And maybe occasionally graze on some grass. But I figure rabbits, deer, ducks... fair game. Chickens are about as close as I can get usually (rabbits are too expensive). I don't believe that we can necessarily improve on something that has been set up to 'survive best' under these conditions. This is why I don't believe in commercial dog-food.

I know a lot of people don't, and won't agree with what I'm saying. I know a lot of vets are suss, but then I've also read that vet's nutritional training classes are sponsored by pet-food companies, plus their clinics get commissions for food they sell to customers. Unbiased opinions, anyone? But here's the thing: I don't think that commercial dog foods (or cat, possibly) are designed with the dog in mind. I'll get to that.

Awww, look at the unrelated picture of my baby-boy. Yes, this photo has nothing to do with the text on either side of it. Deal.

Mum's dog, Biscay, is now 14. When he was about 7, we used to take him to the park and run him hard- get him to chase tennis balls. When he came home after the run and laid down for a while, he would develop a limp in his right shoulder. By morning, the limp had gone, but it happened every time he did a big run. After I had decided raw food was a good way to go, we switched him and Mallei to this diet. A week later and I haven't seen the limp since. Biscay's brothers have all died, a lot of them from cancer. Some died several years ago. Until last year, Biscay was still fit and happy, although losing his eyesight and starting to slow down. He, too, now has cancer in his jaw, but he's 14, and a 25kg dog. A border collie's (Biscay is an Australian shepherd- they don't seem to be listed) expected lifespan is 13*. Ok, so he isn't ancient, but he's doing pretty damn well. Mum has, in recent years, begun to mix dry food in with his raw diet, but he's still ok.

So. Why don't I believe in dog food?

sex sells...

I find it amazing, intriguing, and a little disturbing how women have to 'sell themselves'.

Ok, so I blame myself- I randomly stumbled on a terrible website called 'model mayhem'. I don't know how this happened. I clicked a link or a photo or something and BAM, there I was, Facebook for models and photographers (of which, I am neither, by the way). Now, I love watching America's Next Top Model (the Australian version, not so much) and thinking I know as much as the judges do. I love applying what I think I know to criticizing editorial/commercial photos that I see in magazines ("Oh, her eyes look dead there" or "She should have extended her neck more! She's lost her neck!")... so I have a bit of a fascination with this sort of thing. 

As I looked through the little profiles and comments other models leave on each others' pages, one thing became increasingly apparent:
Every woman's photo was of her in a bikini, pouting, and trying to look seductive. As a male model, they could do whatever they want, be it fully clothed, pulling a funny pose, or being half-naked.
And I thought: Well, isn't this sad? That the only way women, here, feel they can get a job, or attention, or whatever it is, is to be as sexy as possible. There's no pictures of girls in cute clothes acting the 'girl next door', or in say, a beautiful gown, or some couture wear doing an editorial-style photo... Anyway, maybe that's just what happens on this type of site, but I just thought it was a bit sad.

In other news, I've been throwing the idea of moving to WA. And that's Washington, not Western Australia (damned acronyms) in the future. There are a heap of really great reasons to look into it, not least of all because we could actually afford a house that wouldn't put us into debt for the next 40 years, and y'know, the mountains and forests and water, and friendly people and cheap food and clothes and stuff...
But there's one big fat problem getting in our way which is, of course, immigration. (Dun dun dun..... cue evil music). So that might ruin that idea. Any move we make would be one with a view to permanency so the idea of going on a working-type-visa and getting booted after 3 or 6 years isn't so appealing. Nic has a sister in law who is American, and his brother has a green-card, but that's about as far as our family potential goes, and I've read the waiting list for that kind of relation is 10+ years, which ain't so hot. There's the lottery as well, but of course with 8 million people applying and 50,000 spots, that also ain't so hot.
So I don't know what to do. Apparently the US needs teachers, and hello, by the end of the year I'll be a teacher with a Masters degree (though there seems to be much more 'education inflation' in the US. In a lot of forums I read, every second person is getting a Doctorate/PhD, I think, which is a little concerning). And as much as I've never been interested in living in America, I think WA has a lot of the stuff we're looking for, while being affordable as well. At least now, with the economy and all... I read somewhere that the median house price in Seattle in 2006 was 400k. Now it's like, 275 or 300k instead. Sooo, in the grand scheme of things, still expensive, but considering you can buy a house 2 hours from Melbourne for maybe 350k if you're lucky, and you literally wouldn't find anything, anywhere, for under 200k.... having glanced at real estate websites and seen (granted, rundown and crappy) houses for $80k gives me a little hope.
Sorry if that paragraph was fragmented, but my brain is all over the place.
Here's some pretty pictures of WA.

Oh, hey Rainier, you're looking like a pretty awesome mountain. And BTW, nice forest & lake too.

Why yes, I would like to kayak down your pristine rivers.

What's that? You also have rainforests and awesome hiking!?

And did someone say rugged pacific coastline? Though, I have a feeling we've been here, and I have a feeling it's along the coast of the Straight of Juan de Fuca. I could be wrong, though.

this is why i can't have nice things...

Oh, two posts in the space of as many hours! Lucky you (maybe?)!

I was running late on the way to work today, and since I didn't have my boss' phone number, I emailed her, with my iphone, to say I would be late, then left the phone on my lap.
I pulled up in the parking lot - I bet you can all see where this is going - and got out of the car. Something fell on the floor.
My phone!
No big deal, I've dropped it a dozen times. The sides are all dinged up but it's never caused any real damage. I'd been carrying around an invinciphone. I'd heard stories of people's iphones with screens that shattered after the first fall.
But not mine!
Mine had been dropped from high and low, onto soft and hard and gravelly. It had water splashed on it, food, coffee...
And yet, it was still going strong.
Sure, the back was scratched up, the corners were a bit dented, but I showed all those people and their wimpy phones that broke at the first opportunity.

I squinted a little at my phone on the ground. My eyesight's not so good from close up, or far away, and it's sort of dark in that carpark.
Looked like it had spiderwebs across the screen.
Then it dawned on me.
And I burst into tears.
Ok, so I'm feeling a little more emotional than usual (see previous posts), although crying over something like this is totally in line with my character. I braved glass spinters and SMSed Nic to tell him the news. I waited for the lift in the parking lot still snuffling and crying. I attempted to stop once I realized there was a man in the lift. And really, it's more than just the phone.
It's about the fact that I don't have any goddamn money to just throw around on shit like this.
Honestly, I get my fricken tax return, my $600 tax return that I was going to be responsible with and put it straight on the next 6 months of rent (which pays for like, less than a month, by the way), and that would be great. And then I get my car rego, which is $600 too. Great! And I'm about to have to take a week and a half off work so I can continue to get my measly being-a-student payments, because rather than work all summer and SAVE UP MONEY so you don't go poor and hungry, they'd rather you don't work for 4 months in a row, but instead take time off (wtf).

 (Edited to add photos of my phone)

This might be a long one.

with or without you...

In amidst nearly crying while listening to "With or Without You" by U2 this morning on my drive to work, I figure I'm feeling a little emotionally vulnerable at the moment.

That's a nice term isn't it? Emotionally vulnerable.

This came to the fore on Saturday, at the end of a very long and very fruitless day of 'wedding stuff'. The day I tried on dresses that were frustratingly un-me. The day we went to wineries and were given information package after information package quoting $85-$120 a head. At one place, we were told that girls who drop $25k on their wedding were ridiculous, and nobody should need to pay that much. This same place had quoted us $85 a head, plus $600 to use their crappy gazebo for the ceremony, plus more for the chef there to make pies, or cakes, etc etc. So, ok, it wouldn't be quite $25k, but I don't think she has much perspective of the sheer cost of things, particularly when you start looking at a photographer for $3k+, and a dress for $2k+ (probably) and then all the random crap you're expected to have.
Anyway, that wasn't my point, that's just me venting, and setting the scene.
I consider that I did a lot of my 'growing up' in the area where we were- on the Mornington Peninsula.
I spent the first 12 or 13 years of my life on a 21 acre hobby farm, running around paddocks and having imaginary adventures with the family dog, or riding my pony around the dam.
Then we moved to Red Hill, where we had a beautiful property. We planted cherry and lemon trees, had the garden landscaped, my Dad planted gum trees up the long drive. When I turned 18, a bunch of friends from highschool bought me 18 seedlings, all native trees, and I planted them by myself in the paddock, and let them be. When we had to put down my pony, Cocoa, after he had been my companion for most of my life (he was, I think, in his 20s when it was time for him to go), we burried him and one of Mum's horses in one of the paddocks, where we planted a grove of trees. In highschool I had a band, and one of our 'famous songs' (haha) was called 'Shady Grove', and was about that place.

I had gone back a couple of years ago and was surprised at how big the trees were.  I think last time I was there, with a couple of friends, I was overwhelmed by the thrill of 'tresspassing' on my old home- we walked up the driveway and nobody was there.
I went back this time and as we drove up I broke down and cried quietly. The trees starting to bear fruit (we never got to eat them as we left before they were mature enough), the tall line of gums up the drive. The fact that the people weren't home; that I don't think they're usually home- only on holidays. At the beautiful gardens. At the fact that my mother sold this place to move to a snobby suburb to be near her parents, when she could have feasably rented it out, or something. And I don't know why this made me cry. I think the last part of my 'growing up' was done there. The property is spectacular, the house is amazing. Maybe I think I could have been living there- Nic and I, even though it's too far from anything. Maybe I'm just emotionally vulnerable and needed to ahve a cry and what we've lost.
Maybe I just like to cry. (Also a valid theory).

adrift in a sea of unemployment...

Oh lordy. That title sounds so melodramatic. And no, I haven't been fired.

But here's the thing. I go back to Uni in March.

I'm on... well, the equivilent of Welfare, I guess, for students.

Were I to earn $0, I would get $440 a fortnight from my 'Youth allowance'. I can also earn up to $236 (all in a fortnight) (so, so arbritary) and still get $440.

Then, the more I earn at work, the less I earn through Centrelink.

Which is ok, I could work a little bit and earn a little bit, and get about $600 a fortnight. Right?

WRONG

Ok..

So that was like, super ominous.

The problem comes from the fact that I have a few shares (ie: quite a number, as investments my mum & grandparents have been putting away for me since I was born), and a money gift from my grandparents that subsequently earns me interest- about $100 a FT. Plus the shares, they figure I'm "earning" about $200 a FT from those things.

Which then means, every dollar I earn, cuts my Centrelink by 50c to the dollar.

Well, Em, what the hell does that mean? (I hear you ask). I asked myself the same thing for the last 10 or so months. It's a brilliant system when the people using it can't even figure it out.

Basically, last year, I worked 5 hours a week- 10 hours a fortnight, thinking I'd be sneaky and earn $235 a FT from work,. adn get my full Centrelink. I've now worked out that if I do this, I will earn $100 less from Centrelink.

So effectively, I earn half of what I work. I'm working for half my wage. I don't know if that makes sense. But if we forget that the $100 comes out of my Centrelink and just think that it is deducted from my pay, I work 10 hours, and earn $100. That's like, $10 an hour. Which is stupid. And shit.

Pardon my language.

I scoured the internet looking for some sort of awesome picture to put here, like, an unemployment joke, or something, but nothing came to hand. So here's something random instead. I don't know what it is yet because I haven't found it- I'm still searching. Ok scrap that, google fails today. Continuing on.

 

So I think, maybe I can work twice as much! If I work like, 16 hours a FT, I'd earn about $350, which means my Centrelink would be cut by about $180.... which then means I'm still working for a grand total of $10 an hour (all approximate, of course). And really, I think I'm worth more than that. PLUS, studying a Masters degree, I don't really have time for a heap of work.

I know it's a bit late for a cut, but I feel like this is going to be a long 'un.

inexplicably sad..

I feel sad for my mum.
Depressed, even.

It's a strange feeling that's come over me like a sudden wave.

I feel sad that she's lonely. That her friends are her parents, and a woman who lives hours away. That she makes lame Facebook updates about her dog, because she has nothing more interesting going on in her life. That instead of calling, she messages me on 'the book'.

I feel sad that she doesn't like Nic, when he's an amazing person who does nothing but look after me, and let me be lazy on the couch when I just can't be bothered. That she doesn't see how happy I am, and won't share in it with me because she's stuck seeing something that isn't there, and fearing notions her parents taught her (he'll steal my money, he's only after our wealth, whatever.). It upsets me that things are so tense between us, when she used to be my friend who I'd visit every week, and, when things started going downhill with Tone, would just know that I wasn't ok. And now I feel sad that I can't be myself around her because I feel like I have to be constantly defensive, and second-guessing everything she says. Is that a thinly veiled criticism of Nic? What does she really mean by that?

I feel sad that nothing is going on in her life- nothing- so she feels the need to talk to me about it for hours, when I am struggling through Uni, teaching rounds, adventuring, travelling and planning a wedding... and all she does is ask a cursory question before going back to her own life.

I feel sad that our relationship has changed, and I don't think it can go back to how it was. Whether that's my fault, or hers, or both of ours equally (I don't know), it is how it is...

/end rant.

i have no interesting title...

Alright, a general sort of update-post, and musing about work, which I understand isn't the most exciting subject but so it goes.

So, I work for a health insurance company- one of the country's biggest. I'm at a call-center, outsourced by that company, and usually I act as a sort of soft-core debt collector. Since people don't go into debt with us, it's more a friendly reminder that their bill is outstanding, which is fine. Though, the reactions of people when I call can be somewhat hilarious if they think I AM a debt collector, and I have to gently let them know that I'm not. And they appologise and try to convince me that they're usually good at paying, and appologise some more... but that's ok. Hey, I wouldn't want a call from someone telling me I hadn't paid my bill...
But sometimes, I have to try and retain members who want to close their policy.
We used to be able to freeze their membership for 2 months, effectively giving them '2 months free' where they didn't have to pay. Awesome. Just lost your job? No problems. On a pension? Have some saving time. Going through a rough patch? This should help... But not any more.
So here's a scenario: Dear old Betty calls up. She's 83.


There she is. She looks peeved. I'd be peeved too. Remember how I said I needed more pictures on here?

 The main things she'll need would be dentures, heart surgery, and a hip replacement. Maybe a hearing aid, too. This makes for a very, very expensive cover. I'm talking $130 a month expensive, assuming she's had cover since 2000, which I'll assume she has, because most of them have, and have been paying a fortune for years. Now $130 isn't TOO bad... but it's pretty bad on a pension. So my job is figuring out what Betty needs... convincing her how her membership will provide her with these things, adjust her membership accordingly, and thank her very much for her time. But often, for Betty, the recently or long-term unemployed, the single-parent with 3 kids, or whatever... it's a case of eating... or paying for health insurance. And you know what, it's INSURANCE. It's a just-in-case. It's not something to sustain your family. Hell, if the single parent told me they wanted the money to take their kids to the movies and a game of mini-golf, I'd say go for it.
But I'm not supposed to.
And I can't do what they want me to do because it's not right to do that. I'm meant to put up a fight. To 'handle' their 'objections'.
"Oh, Betty, you won't be able to afford your groceries and medication this week? But at least, if you get sick in the future, you'll be able to go into the private hospital... If you have an accident? No, then you'll go through the public system. What's that? If you don't tell them you have insurance? Yes, your treatment WILL be free... no, there's no guarentee that by having insurance you won't pay anything. In fact, you're almost guarenteed to have something to pay. Yes, I know that it makes no sense that you're paying monthly for something just so you can pay again when you need to use it, but that's the system we're dealing with here."

Ugh.
And it's not so bad now, but we used to get paid based on how many of these people we could convince to stay. We still do, to a degree, but it's nothing as bad as it was.

So that's a rant. And I will take the moral highground and close Betty's membership, management be damned if they don't like the way I operate.


On a more positive, and possibly interesting note (more interesting than me rambling on about my morals? Unimaginable!), we had quite a good weekend. Saturday was too hot to do much, but Sunday was cool, a little drizzly, but good for a drive.
We hit up probably 8 or so 'potential' venues. We liked one town hall (that I thought would be scummy but had awesome windows and surrounded by a bit of bush), found one winery, and right across the road were some 'formal' gardens...
The winery, Acacia Ridge, in the Yarra Valley is run by a husband and wife team. On wednesday, they're erecting a permanent gazebo next to the 1850's miner's cottage they have on the property. It's almost like being in their backyard in a lot of ways, but in that, it feels very relaxed, casual, and cool. The outlook is spectacular. It was a cloudy day, and most of the mountains were obscured but the view was STILL awesome.
The owner told us he made money by selling wine, not through weddings. I get the feeling that enough people (including his kids) approached them about holding a wedding there that they caved, and do it 'on the side'. I like that they're not trying to gouge people their money. In fact, if we did our own catering, he'd charge $10p/p for the use of the grounds... which, with what I've heard is a 'good caterer', would mean we could be looking at $45p/p which is MUCH more reasonable than $100. It also just felt like a family thing. He was talking about how he could cater, but he'd be getting Dad, and Father-in-law to help with the steaks, or do this and that, and wanted to involve OUR families in the day... which was really nice. Plus there was a really nice open grassy space for umbrellas and blankets, and it just felt really nice. Plus, me, the picky wine drinker, LOVED their pink wine- sweet, delicious.. we bought a bottle, and a bottle of muscat...um, I forget.. but it's like strong wine. Anyway, very tasty stuff.
We also went to Alowyn gardens, which we saw by accident as we drove away from Acacia ridge. Nic managed to sweet-talk his way in for free (usually a $9 admission) by telling them about the wedding. There's a looooooong arch looking on to a fountain, with speakers in the arch... and it's a semi-formal garden with some little hedges, but also a grove of fruit trees, and lots of flowers... and it's not the ideal thing that I wanted (under a big tree!!!) but... it was still nice. $750 for the ceremony for 3 hours, so time for drinks in their courtyard area... apparently the archway thing is quite waterproof so is VERY outdoors/indoors in a cool way...
Plus, maybe, the flowers would still be out!

The archway from the little hedge thingie, Wisteria flowers out... preeeeety!

From inside the arch, in Autumn, looking to the fountain, where we would stand (I guess). Guests would sit in the archway area.

This is all very exciting! It means we have potential venues (!!!!), though I still want to look at the Mornington Peninsula, I'm not feeling so depressed now about the whole thing costing many many moneys. If we were to do it at these places I reckon we could keep it under 10k without too much trouble. Which would be really nice!

omg he's wearing sneakers to a wedding....!

I snapped at a girl at work today.
A girl who is completely infatuated with a man she's known for 6 months, where she's decided the date they'll be getting engaged, that they'll be having a 100k wedding (yes, $100,000), she's picked out the ring she wants, etc... It's all very fast, and she's not yet 21. Eek. Anyway, this isn't the point, because that's fine- you have the right to do what you want, and what makes you happy, and good on you... which is the point.

She was looking at, I assume, wedding blogs today. Or pictures of weddings. Or something. And I hear from across the room:
"Oh, they're a really gorgeous couple. Don't you think? Look, he's so handsome... and she's pretty too. Don't they make a really pretty couple...?" Silence for a minute then a shrill shriek; "Oh, she's SO ugly!!! And she's not wearing makeup!! Why wouldn't you wear makeup to your wedding!? Don't you think she's ugly?!!?" (this to another coworker, who responds: "Um... I think she looks fine...") "Well, I don't understand why you wouldn't wear makeup to your wedding. Yuck." And I'm thinking: I don't see the problem with it...
Then there's silence for a while longer.... and I hear another shriek.
"OH MY GOD.... he's wearing SNEAKERS to his WEDDING. What an IDIOT!!! Why would you do that?? You can't do that!! You can't wear SNEAKERS.... to a WEDDING!!! That's just so stupid!!"
At which point, I had to chime in.
I said: "He can wear whatever he wants to his wedding. It's his wedding. That's the point. If he wants to wear sneakers he can wear sneakers if it makes him happy. You don't HAVE to do anything at a wedding. There's no rules, you have to do what YOU want or it's not your wedding. Nic wants to wear converse to our wedding, and that's awesome."
Dead.
Silence.
I laugh.
"I take it from the silence that you're unimpressed."
She says; "... SERIOUSLY... You're going to let him wear converse?!?!?!"
"Sure. If he wants to, why the hell not?"

And it just made me cringe. The blatant judgements, the shunning of these women on their beautiful wedding day for something she doesn't deem appropriate. No wonder the Wedding Industrial Complex is what it is, and there's such criticism of women by women. We're always judging. It's impossible to turn off, I think, but jeez it peeved me off. Just because your wedding will cost $100k doesn't mean ours has to. Just because you want heels doesn't mean I do. And you know what? My wedding, my MARRIAGE isn't going to be any less kick-assingly-awesome because of it!! In fact, I'll probably have a more awesome time because of it. Feet not killing me from wearing heels? Check. Budgets in-tack after wedding? Check. Happy FH who got to wear wicked shoes? Check. I think I'll take that, and you can keep your criticisms to yourself, if that's quite alright.

(And by the way, I have nothing against people wearing heels, or not wearing chucks, or whatever... but I hate the idea that things are going to be worse because of, or despite those things..It's so insignificant, surely.)
(Also whenever I write WIC I think "Walk in closet")

Putting some awesome pictures below the cut just to prove my point.

friends, dates and life changing...

Last night I traipsed across this site, meetup.com, which is basically full of a bunch of dodgy 'spiritual' groups, supposedly teaching people how to 'live their best life' (my mum would benefit from joining some of them, no doubt), groups for men wanting to 'attract the most amazing women', and then some little ones for people who like hiking and walking, kayaking, for 20-something women wanting more friends, french speakers, ex-pat Canadians, etc. So I joined a couple. The more I think about it, the less satisfied I am with my group of friends. I have them, and they're awesome, but I don't see any of them regularly (except from the Uni girls, and a few of them are finishing this year so I won't see them in March), and I just don't feel that close. I think about my 'wedding party' or whatever terminology I'll end up using, and feel like I'd be picking bridespeople just because they're people I get along with, and not because I'm hugely close and want to share all my secrets with them over a tub of icecream.

on being normal... or why I don't get smashed at work parties.

Just before Christmas there were two Christmas parties for work- one for the whole company, so where a couple of hundred people I don't know would have gone to get drunk and try and sleep with one another.
The other party was just for our section of the company, so Nic wouldn't have been allowed to come. There was two hours of free drinks provided.

The first, people didn't mind so much that I didn't go, because hardly anyone from our team went. The second, I'd given an indication that I might go, but only until finished work (so I'd be there from about 4.30 to 6ish, then we'd leave. We were driving home together). I don't really drink. They tend to have 'drinks runs' at work on Friday arvo, where people spend their pay on a 6 pack (or whatever), drink it at work, then go home. I don't think I've ever bought drinks in a drinks run. I don't go out, and I never really have. So I'm getting pressure from co-workers to go to this party, get smashed, go crazy. I go, I'll say, but not for long. To which they give me a look. Like I'm being deprived.
When I said I didn't think I'd go to one girl, she looks astonished and says: "Just come out and be SOCIAL!"
And I think about the coffee I'd had with a friend the evening before and wonder how or why that is any less social than going out, getting so intoxicated that you don't make any sense, make a fool of yourself, fall asleep in a pile of drool, and wake up not remembering a thing. Because let's face it, that's what they're taking about. It's not a sophisticated wine at a clean bar somewhere- it's a divey pub with sticky floors.
Maybe I should have gone and said hello, but then as soon as I said I was leaving, I would have gotten the same treatment.
In the end, I was watching people getting ready- a flurry of activity as girls madly straightened their hair in the bathroom, boys smoked outside and cracked open their third can of JD and coke (at 4.30pm, mind you)... and then girls started applying concealer to mosquito bites on their legs. These girls are married and engaged. And they're worried about a couple of red spots on their legs. For a party in a room with minimal lighting where nobody could care less. This was the point I decided 'enough is enough', and very quietly made my exit.

Because here's the thing. By leaving early, my life could continue like this:

Nic drives me home, we have a chat about our day, some nice time with just the two of us (not having to shout over music or getting drinks spilled on us), as we ponder over dinner and miss our furkids.
We get home, greeted happily by Mallei who has been inside all day and is just mega-stoked to see us, but really needs to pee. The kitten hasn't figured out how the front door yet, so gets stuck behind it again, and we have a laugh. We bustle inside and head out almost immediately to take Mal for a walk in the last of the sunshine for the day. This is another nice time for just the two of us to talk and relax and unwind. We head home. Nic starts on dinner while I feed the animals, then spend some time playing with Reya and Mal. We eat, relax, watch an episode of one of our tv shows, then head to bed at about 10 or 10.30 where we cuddle up and talk about nothing for another half an hour as the kitten races around and plays in the bath, skidding around corners and 'glomping' up and down the hall. Mal sighs from his bed, like he's too old for this crap, but is secretly fascinated by Reya's antics. And then we go to sleep. If it's a friday night, we have a sleep in till about 8, and then have the whole day to get out and about, to run or cycle or paddle, to cook or garden or go shopping, or whatever we want...

I think the alternative- of succumbing to pressure and 'getting smashed' at the party- would have been much less enjoyable. I'm just sick of that being the norm, and for me being weird or unsociable for not wanting to go down that route. Were it not for work, I wouldn't speak to or socialize with any of those people, so why is making a fool of myself in front of them apparently a prerequisite for a harmonious work environment? I know, I could go out and only have a drink or two, but then there's still the 'party-pooper' mentality if I try and leave before I'm completely off my face.

Grow up, people. There's more to life than that.
 (and I'm not just saying that because I'm a soon-to-be-grumpy-old-wife ;) )

so this is christmas...

merry christmas!

Nic and I started the day with our new breakfast tradition and had tasty healthy pancakes made with wholemeal flour, oats, yoghurt, milk, eggs and a little butter, plus fresh blueberries and maple syrup we bought in Vermont. Yum.

We opened our presents from the stockings then went to Grandma's (Mum's side) for our traditional christmas lunch, only without the normal seafood assortment.