Last night I traipsed across this site, meetup.com, which is basically full of a bunch of dodgy 'spiritual' groups, supposedly teaching people how to 'live their best life' (my mum would benefit from joining some of them, no doubt), groups for men wanting to 'attract the most amazing women', and then some little ones for people who like hiking and walking, kayaking, for 20-something women wanting more friends, french speakers, ex-pat Canadians, etc. So I joined a couple. The more I think about it, the less satisfied I am with my group of friends. I have them, and they're awesome, but I don't see any of them regularly (except from the Uni girls, and a few of them are finishing this year so I won't see them in March), and I just don't feel that close. I think about my 'wedding party' or whatever terminology I'll end up using, and feel like I'd be picking bridespeople just because they're people I get along with, and not because I'm hugely close and want to share all my secrets with them over a tub of icecream.
Which is maybe ok. That's what Nic is for afterall, and I rarely have the need to bitch about him, because, hey, he's pretty awesome (that's why I'm marrying him), and he knows everything that's going on in my life, so if something's bothering me, he doesn't have to get a huge backstory. If I need to vent about my mother, although he isn't exactly sympathetic, he at least knows her and her behaviour enough that we can talk about it- I don't just look like a bitch for venting about my mother.
That being said though, I'd still like a friend or two. You know, people who actually message me every now and then to organize a walk or a coffee, instead of me always doing it... I think it's really hard these days with FB and the internet to feel connected but not actually be connected, at all. It's hard to make that time outside of wherever you know the people- work, or school, or, in the past, living with them, to actually spend time beyond that context.
And then there are my nagging insecurities that cause me to distance myself further; people I meet through Uni, I'm so stoked to have friends, but I figure that they're pretty cool and likeable and probably have a billion friends, and I'm just a speck on their social radar. Is that true? Maybe, I have no idea. Maybe not. But it keeps me from getting too close, or too clingy, or too involved because I don't want to make them more important to me than I am to them. I think that makes sense.
But this is important. This is a big place I feel like we're lacking. I was talking about our engagement party with Nic yesterday and said we need more mutual friends before then, because his are all overseas and won't come just for an engagement party... At the moment, it's going to be Em's engagement party with some people Nic knows... which sucks. So, I don't want to do anything before then, I don't think.
It's funny though because one of the main reasons I want to have one is not only to have a wicked picnic bbq to celebrate our engagement, but so I can get presents out of my Mum, because I feel ripped off. My cousin got engaged about the same time we did, and had a party a month or so later, while we were overseas. First, I got made to feel guilty about not going to the party (uh, I booked this trip in Feb this year, and btw, wtf is an engagement party anyway? Do we have parties for everything these days? Seems like it), and then while I was in NYC got an email from Mum saying: "I've bought a $250 voucher from [A major, expensive department store]. D and J [my bro and his girlfriend] have contributed $50 each. You have to get a gift for an engagement party, even if you don't go." So she expected Nic and I to contribute $50 each, even though he's only met my cousin once. So we put $75 toward it and didn't hear back. But the thing is, I was googling when I got home about engagement parties and an article says: presents should not be expected at an engagement party, however guests will sometimes bring them anyway. So, here was I, broke in the middle of our trip, and shelling over for a gift-card mum had just assumed we'd chip in for. I think she went so far as to say she was a bit 'strapped for cash'. This from the woman living in a $1million house. Anyway. This wasn't the point. I want MY $250 giftvoucher. And will be very curious to see if I get anything from that same cousin.
And of course I won't expect anything from anyone else. ;)
I was thinking more on the date of our wedding, and think I might suggest October/November 2012. Our reasons for not having it in April 2012 don't apply to October/November the same year, I don't think, as I should be teaching, we should be more or less settled at least for that year, and I should have been working for almost a whole year (hopefully!) as should Nic... and therefore, a wedding should be plausible... Plus I love spring flowers. We were originally thinking April because we were considering a winery and the leaves would be pretty... but Spring is nice, too. Joyful, full of life, bright, green, warm-ish, sometimes raining, sometimes sunny, flowery!, bright, fun... I like spring.
And I have to go get ready for work, but that's something about friends and bridespeople and stuff; if we move, if I get a teaching job, whatever... friends change. I don't have those solid friends that a lot of girls on other sites have- girls they've known from kindergarten, from highschool, from birth... I have girls from this year. A couple of girls from a couple of years ago... but I don't feel stable enough in life, in my relationships with them, to even consider bridespeople yet. Which bothers me in some way that I can't really explain. Maybe I just really want that stability.
Now to disturb the kitten who is very happily laying on my chest INSIDE my dressing gown, and get ready for (ugh) work.