Tuesday, February 22, 2011

a post for another day...

I'm a bit out of ideas at the moment, for today.
Though, I would like to say that yesterday I ran 5km (3.1 miles) in 35 minutes (35 minutes). Which is pretty freaking spectacular, for me. Granted, it was on a treadmill, so I could play tricks on myself, and set it to walking speed for a minute so I could catch my breath. Plus I was watching an episode of friends, although I tended to zone out during the actual show, and zone in during the ads, which is weird. But anyway, I got there in the end, and it was at the very end of my capabilities, I think. I was gritting my teeth and puffing like a steam-train by the end (granted, just wanting to "get it over with" and setting the speed to 11km/hour (6.8 miles/hour) probably didn't help) but I got there. Then went and collapsed on the stretch mats. Then did my gym weights, barely.
But that wasn't the point of writing today because who cares? I'm just proud.
What I was going to write about was something I've told Nic I think... and I think it's ok. Though I'm probably going to sound like a horrible-person-who-doesn't-believe-in-love by saying it.
I don't believe, that as humans, we can have unconditional love.

(gasp, shock, horror).

I believe in love without reservation... but not unconditional. I think there are always conditions.
I love you, unconditionally.
Then I find out you slept with, I dunno, 50 people. Men and women. Unprotected. Then maybe you murdered a couple. And you weren't sorry, and said you were gonna keep doing it again.
Think I'm gonna still love you?
Ok so there would, I think, be lingering memories of the love, but there's a condition. I don't think I could stick by that person and go: "It's ok, honey. I still love you, we'll make it through this."
Right, so it's an extreme example, that's probably pretty unlikely, but you see the point. And we all have limits. For some people, their condition is 'never ever cheat, not even once'. I don't know what mine is. Maybe you could argue that you don't stop loving a person who you love so much. That you can't just 'switch it off'... but I tell you what, if my nymphomaniac, psychopathic, unapologetic husband came home and confessed that to me, I'd sure as hell pack up my bags and try and switch it off!
I think animals can love unconditionally. Granted, a lot of that probably comes from the fact that if you did go out and sleep with 50 people and then murder some, they'd probably just wonder why you smelled funny, but not know any different. I don't think Mallei could ever stop loving me. Or, I'd have to be really terrible to him, for a really long time, but then maybe it'd be a fear thing. I think it would be a fear thing. He'd still want to please me and to love on me, but I'd be scary.

I think as people we can love without reservation. As in, giving our whole selves to the other person, holding nothing back. That all we see is that person, and that we'd do anything to help them and make them happy, even if it made us sad or in pain, or whatever. I know it's not the same as unconditional- that's my point. We have conditions, but we can love without holding anything back. We can love with everything we are and because of that, it would break a piece of ourselves to stop that loving. Love without reservation is a hard thing for me to explain... How about:
To love without reservation means to love completely, fully, without suspicion or distrust, kindly, compassionately and consciously. - Olmstead, 2010*
I love the idea of consciously loving someone. She goes on to describe this as loving with eyes wide open, and know the other person's faults and quirks, but loving them still. The rest of the little article is about being able to love ones-self, in order to let none of the fears we have within ourselves; of betrayal, failure, rejection block our ability to love without reservation. I suppose this is what I mean by being able to love wholly, with one's whole being.

I feel so happy in the knowledge that Nic and I are living a relationship without suspicion or distrust- that I met a bubbly coworker of his, who he's spoken about a few times, and not regarded her with suspicion. That I can jokingly tell him not to fall in love with her, and for him to take it only as a joke. That we both have access to each other's emails, and read them frequently not as a way of snooping, but a way to see what's happening in each other's lives if we forget to fill the other in on something. (Or if we like to see what the other has written about us. Lucky Nic has a fiancee who writes a blog (sort of) about him.)

So that's what I think.
Anyone up for a lively discussion??

*Getting in practice for my referencing before Uni starts. Ugh.

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