Sunday, January 23, 2011

hit the pause button.

In a lot of ways I feel as though my life is on hold at the moment.

Plenty of discussions with Nic begin with me saying:
"Next year, when I have a teaching job..."
And up until that point it's like I'm in limbo.

This photo has nothing to do with anything, I just like to see my kids loving on one another.

A lot of that has to do with the fact that I have no money. So it's like:
"Em, do you think we should replace my old car with a different one that'll cost $8k? Or should we wait until we run this one into the ground?"
And I think about it, and I know my ex had an old car which he planned to run into the ground, and it ended up costing a ridiculous amount to fix the car because problems would just keep popping up, again and again. In the end he spent a couple of grand to fix the problems, then sold the car to the scrap heap for about $250. So not worth it. But at the same time, I'm not going to be working, so Nic unnecessarily taking out a car lone while trying to support both of us on $20 an hour isn't so hot. So I say:
"Well, next year, when I have a teaching job, you won't have to pay for so much. So we can save up, and we can get another car. And if problems come up with your car in the meantime, we'll deal with them now."

And this isn't even limited to the long term, I just realised.
We joined the gym on Friday evening. Awesome. Can't wait. Get me back in shape. And no, this is not a bride thing. This is an I-feel-fat-and-hate-myself thing that I really would like to get over, thanks very much.
Then I think about my schedule. My sucky, sucky work schedule. And realize that I start work at 10, which means leaving here at 9. I finish at 6.30, getting me to the gym by about 7.30. Which means, ok, so I can get up earlier and go, but hey, I like to relax of a morning. But that's fine, I could do that I guess... or I could come home, work out, get home, and eat dinner by, I dunno, 8.30 or 9. Then go to bed. Which sucks. And, uh, goodbye what little Nic time I have.
So then I start saying:
"Well, I'll go in the morning, or whatever... but when Uni starts again (in March) it'll be easier. So we'll see how it goes in March". Not that I'm waiting until March, but I'm desperately trying to blur out the time between now and then. Also I want to be done with my job. Now I know I'm probably leaving, I'm ready to leave.

Plus Centrelink is about to screw me over
They have a rule where if you don't receive payments from them for 6 fortnights, they cancel your payments altogether.  That makes sense right, because it suggests you have a long term, potentially badly paying job that you do full time.
Except only, putting it in perspective, as a Uni student, we have holidays from early November to early March. That's 4 months. 4 months in fortnights works out to be about 10 'payment fortnights', according to my calendar. Keeping in mind I've already not worked for 3 of those, I now either have to take a week and a half of unpaid leave so that I get paid next year for Uni... or have to try and convince them to keep me on the payments because I only have 2 weeks of work left after the 6th fortnight. So, that ought to be an awesome conversation. Plus they're all so incompetent that I'm sure they'll screw up and misunderstand me, and think I want to cancel 2 weeks early. Or something equally stupid. But that's enough about Centrelink. I hate them, you hate them, we all hate them. It's a great big hate-session. Hurrah!

It's fun because they're even helping to perpetuate this feeling of being in limbo, since Nic and I can't officially be 'together' until I finish Uni. We can't merge finances, can't have bills in both our names, etc. This is because, if he were to earn over $800 a FT (or something ridiculous), I wouldn't be paid. And we need me to be paid. So we are officially unofficial.

I wish I had some funny animal stories or something amusing or light to share but I don't. Maybe I need to think up some stories from my childhood. But only, my memory isn't that good. Maybe I'll start carrying around a notepad and jot down things I think of. I like writing. I like narratives. I miss writing narratives. I'll try and try harder.
For now, here are some pictures of our kids, because they are cute and we love them.
 Here is Reya. She loves Mal (as explained above). She also loves his bed. It is a bed which is a good size for an Australian shepherd. She has decided it is a good size for a kitten.

 Even though it is a good size for a kitten, it is almost not big enough!!! She is doing her very best to stretch out to her full size to take up as much space as possible. She is a pest.

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