Monday, January 31, 2011

cry baby.

I just finished speaking with my manager about the fact that my last day will be on the 18th of Feb.

As I was talking, I felt my eyes start to tear up a little, which was ok. Until a couple of co-workers sitting nearby, and overhearing this conversation, turned and looked at me in disbelief. Then, one of them- a girl who has admitted being 'pretty bad' at crying at everything (like me), but not 'as bad' as me, says:
"Wow, you really do get emotional over everything!"

Which has then called attention to the fact that I'm a big crying pussy, and what was just a damp sheen over my eyeballs then becomes actual tears.
Thanks a lot.
And of course I'm laughing at the ridiculousness of the fact that I'm calling it quits and crying about it, because, hey, it's stupid. I'm really looking forward to getting out of here, actually.
And another guy says:
"But you've been here so long!"
And that makes things worse.
Just stop. talking. to. me. And I'll stop crying.
And I have been here so long. I just looked up my Calendar, and I started on the 25th of Feb, 2008. So, I'm JUST shy of my 3 year anniversary.

But you know, I'm really, really looking forward to my forced 2 week holiday. I'm really looking forward to going to the gym with Nic after he finishes work, and not having to eat dinner at 8.30 because of it. I'm looking forward to being able to go to the bank or to a shop that's only open 9-5 because I won't have to leave home at 9, and get home at 7.30. I'm looking forward to not driving to Carlton, to not paying for parking every day. I'm looking forward to walking Mallei and reading about education, and volunteering my time at a primary school so I can get experience. I'm looking forward to writing more, reading more, studying, and not having to drive for 2 hours for a 5 hour shift like I did last year.
I'm really looking forward to visiting my Dad in my between-semester holidays because he'll fly me up to Townsville and I can spend a couple of weeks of winter in a tropical place where it's 25 degrees all day. Or just a week. We'll see. I don't know how long I'll be able to leave Nic and Reya, and I don't think he'll be able to come (although I would LOVE him to come :( ).

So there it is.
As of 18/02 I'll be officially a "Student" and nothing more.
I think a lot of the emotion and the crying comes not from the act of quitting, but from that fact. From being 'out on my own'. From no-longer having my work saftey net. And this place is that- a saftey net. People drift in to this company and don't leave. Because it's comfortable, and easy, and you can wear tracksuit pants and slippers to work if you want. You take calls and go home, and no-one will fire you unless you really badly stuff up, and you get paid on time, and you're sort of near the city and pubs, and if you're like the 'typical' employee, there are plenty of people like you to socialise with.
And when I'm not here, I'm out on my own. I'm not earning money, I'm just getting it. I'm tutoring (which I'm scared to death of), I'm having to socialise on my own, not at work. I'm having to rely on Nic more than I'm ever used to doing. And that's what kept me up last night, and what has made me cry this morning. The finality.. finalisation.. final..ness..? Of it.

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